Some
of the elderly residents in the retirement village have twinkling eyes, a ready joke and full calendars!
Other resident are full of hatred and bitterness and petty grievances. One old man
is convinced his gardening spade has been stolen, an indignant old lady is
furious about the bossy bitch who has taken over the social committee.
In loud conversations on driveways, they compare and compete
about their painful ailments, the heart scares, the bad knees, the hip ops, the
emergency hospital visits, without listening or caring about the other’s
suffering.
Another faction villifies, in vicious huddles, those horrible
dogs that leave messes on their manicured lawns and vehemently condemns irresponsible
dog-owners. They should be thrown in jail!
The wrinkled, hunched old wives grip the flabby arms of
their senile husbands when a younger woman walks by and smiles ‘Hello’;
jealously guarding the old relic and oozing envy for the youth she has lost;
buried photo memories deep in the drawer with the sparkly ear rings she once wore,
dazzling the dance floor with haughty elegance!
I am fearful of ending up like this; shrinking smaller and
smaller and withering, bitter and twisted, lonely and isolated, in a segregated
old people’s ghetto, discarded by mainstream community, waiting…waiting for
something? What is it? Are these cranky old folks aching for Grace; for Love to
swoop in, like a huge soft white dove, and cradle them, a visit from the ungrateful
grown-up children who are busy with their interesting lives.
Perhaps they are waiting for genuine friendship that pierces
their dense armour of complaints and touches the heart with lightness, joy, humour
and gratitude in still being alive! Or perhaps they are waiting to be
recognised as useful; the realisation by youngsters that all their years of
experience must be good for something!
Erik Erikson was a German-born American developmental psychologist
and psychoanalyst (1902 – 1994) who
extended the developmental theories of Freud to include the entire lifespan.
Erikson identified eight stages of development, not just in
childhood, but right throughout life into old age and death. He claimed each
stage held an inherent struggle and desired outcome.
He claimed from birth to age one, the baby has to resolve a
crisis between Trust and Mistrust of parents or caregivers with the desired
outcome of Hope; from one to two, the toddler grapples with Autonomy versus Shame
and Doubt with the desired outcome of Will; from age three to five, the young
child faces a crisis of Initiative over Guilt within the family with the
desired outcome of Purpose. From age six to 11, the child is challenged with
Industriousness over Inferiority at school with a desired outcome of
Competence.
Stage Five, Adolescence, brings conflict between Identity
and Role Confusion within peer groups with the desired outcome of Fidelity, the
ability to be true to an integrated sense of self.
In Young Adulthood, the challenge is finding Intimacy over
Isolation with a spouse and amongst friends with the desired outcome of Love.
Which brings us to Stage Seven, Middle Adulthood where we
are challenged to discover “generativity”, a term coined by Erikson, rather
than self-absorption within our family, community and work. The desired outcome
is Care.
Generativity means
the ability to look beyond yourself and to express concern for the future of
the world and younger generations. The self-absorbed person is preoccupied with
personal wellbeing and material gain.
When I hit 50 I was also hit
with an overpowering desire to go MAD; that is, to Make a Difference to the
world. I wanted to contribute to solving problems and reducing suffering on a
global level. Having lived more than half of my life, the balance was tipped to
the approach of the end and I started thinking about legacy, concerned about
what I would leave behind after I’m gone.
So that is when
my husband and I migrated from far-flung Australia to the UK to be close to the
centre of the world stage, where we felt better placed to make a positive
difference to global issues.
My progress in
making a difference on a grand scale has been slow. I’ve done much soul
searching about my talents and skills and researched causes and charities to
support.
On my 57th
birthday we had a night out in London and saw the brilliant stage show War
Horse, with the most talented, creative performers operating intricate life-like
puppets, singing, dancing and acting with utter perfection to tell a glorious, triumphant
story.
The next day I
took to my bed and my journal and tried to figure out what I was good at! I
realised that I am not a perfectionist who could spend hours every day for years
mastering an instrument or difficult skill. I searched my formative years and
remembered how I discovered the joy of writing stories at age 11 and the thrill
of being published!
Then at 17, I
discovered the empowerment of becoming a vocal campaigner! And I recalled how I
was a passionate activist in my 20s; how in my 30s I was elected a local
government councillor to work for my community.
Then in my 40s I
experienced a crisis and wallowed in a bottomless lake of therapy and
self-analysis and had to wade my way back to focusing on others. And so we left
the endless summer of coastal Queensland and came to bustling London for a
new lease on life. And these years of my fifties have been wonderful, full of
city pleasures, exciting travel and adventures!
So at 57, I was
reminded of my true Purpose (beyond fun times) and decided to devote the rest
of my life to using my writing skills to campaign for good causes; human
rights, peace, animal and environmental protection; all the good stuff that
will allow our damaged world to heal, survive and flourish in the future.
Now I am nearly
59 and I am ready. I am passionately committed to future generations of girls
across Africa discovering their human rights and becoming empowered, free from
abuse, suffering and poverty. This is my mission for my sixties, for the next
decade of my life.
If a person in their 50s, 60s and
70s shifts focus to making a difference for others, then he or she will face
old age with a sense of dignity, satisfaction and personal fulfillment.
Middle-aged and older people
thrive when they use their lifetime of experience to mentor teenagers and young
adults or lavish patient love on grandchildren or volunteer in community, environmental
or humanitarian projects.
Those mature-aged people who
choose to contribute rather than expecting to be coddled by the young and fit
are ironically the ones who thrive with a sense of purpose, joy and gratitude,
despite their aches and pains.
The elderly do not have to end
up bitter and twisted, nursing grudges and resentment, burdened by a sense of
futility and despair, disappointment and failure.
If we need role models,
consider the inspirational David Attenborough, who has devoted his life to
educating us all about the wonders of animals and the natural world. He continues
in his creative film making at the sprightly age of 89.
In Old Age, the final stage of
life, Stage Eight according to Erikson, we face a struggle between Integrity
and Despair. And the desired outcome is Wisdom.
I hope that Wisdom will lead you in your mature years to Integrity; the choice to make a difference for future generations because “generativity” is the hope of the future.
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